All I want for Christmas

I'm spending my Christmas Eve in Gleneagles hospital with Jonah. He has been diagnosed with pneumonia and requires dedicated care. I just watched the nurses did a suction on his nose and mouth to get rid of the mucus and phlegm. Whilst doing so, he turned blue and his oxygen level dropped so low. 

It has been such a tiring day but being surrounded by medical terms, doctors, nurses and family, it didn't seem right to break down. 

My mother in law just stepped out of our room and I can't help but break down. My heart.. Feels like it got ripped into a million pieces. 

All I can hear is him wheezing and his machine giving him extra oxygen so I decided that I would play some Christmas song to cheer us up. At least we have each other. We'll always have each other.  

I am overwhelmed with guilt and if I ever felt helpless in my entire life of being a mom, this is a multiply of 100000000. Avril has been sick countless of times but she has never been hospitalize. The impact is.. Wow. 

Jonah is only 7 weeks old, he looks too small and fragile on this big cold hospital bed. I just want him to get well soon so I can bring him back home. 

I just want to cry my hearts out but I can't, and I won't. The least I can do for my children is be firm and strong, unwavering and ensuring. 

I love my children so much. Now and forever.