Strangers and their thoughts, I don't need to know.

For the past one week, Avril has been down with the usual fluctuating fever, runny nose and cough. We're no stranger to these bugs because she always has been vulnerable to them since young. This time round, it's the whole drill of antibiotics, Zyrtec and cough medicine again. It's really tiring looking after a child who is sick because besides the extra meltdowns (from requiring more sleep), seeking for comfort and refusal to eat, you can't help but wonder if your child's taking in enough fluids and meanwhile you've got to keep researching on what's good to give and what's not. 

Ever since I became a parent, I understood that with a child, everyone likes to comment and give good intention advices (which I appreciate when given appropriately) but I absolutely cannot stand judging comments from strangers.  

Example 1: Avril is in a "I want independence" stage now, she wants to feed herself, doesn't want to be dress/undressed sometimes, wants to wear her own pampers, wants to play with a particular toy at a specific time or only is willing to eat a certain kind of food. Now, while I totally respect that need and want for independence, I know that it is not socially acceptable for your child to be dropping food and creating a large mess in their restaurant/coffee shop so I try to discourage that independence outside. But of course, which toddler would be happy with that? So a tantrum is followed. Now, some might argue that it is necessary to tell this toddler "We are outside now, it is not ok to feed yourself, stop throwing a tantrum, this is wrong" in a disciplining sense. But hold up, do you think a 18 months old really understands why it's ok to feed herself at home and why it's not outside? 

Most of the time, I tell myself, oh I should just let her feed herself but really, when you're out, who wants to deal with a whole floor of mess and having to change a baby after that? All of the above should take me about 20-30 mins to complete depending on her mood. 

Having said all of the above, we were dining in a restaurant one day and an auntie from no where came up to chat. She starting commenting on how naughty Avril was just because she insisted on feeding herself. 

Point 1: How is that naughty? I am secretly happy that she is insisting on independence. 

Point 2: It is extremely rude to call someone's kid anything especially when you know NOTHING about this kid. 

Papa J used to comment about kids who behave not so well in public, or how selfish children are when they refuse to share. But I always tell him, it's normal for kids NOT wanting to share! Besides encouraging them to share, there really isn't anything else you can do. Every child is different, some are born with a shy nature, some are social butterflies, some are terrified of strangers while some walks away with ANY strangers. Lets not talk about children, everyone in general is special and unique in their own way. 

Example 2: This afternoon, while we were having lunch, I was putting medicine into Avril's milk like I usually do at home. An auntie commented "You shouldn't do that, you should just feed your child direct." 

It had been a long week of sleepless nights, no nap and dealing with a cranky baby, I was in absolutely the worst state to deal with such a comment.  Did you know that my daughter has a throat filled with phlegm? Or that she has an extremely sensitive gut, she suffers from extremely bad reflux issues since she was a baby? Or have they ever thought that "Hey wow, you're out for a nice lunch, it's the best time to force feed your child medicine so she can throw up all over you now.", or that for the past 18 months I have exhausted all means of trying to make her take medication but nothing works and only this does? You see, it's not about how different children are now and before, it is how they have always been different from one another. I wish people wouldn't judge so quickly and make things sound like it was a piece of cake. It is frustrating and worrying enough to watch your child be in such discomfort, I honestly didn't appreciate the salt on wound as they say that in Chinese? Is that right? 

(For the record, there is nothing wrong putting medicine in a child's milk if she finishes it. According to her PD, he doesn't care how I do it, as long as it gets into her system.) It is funny how people think its ok to mix medicine with fruit juice, jelly or whatever and feed it to a child but with milk, it's just wrong. What's the difference? As long as she consumes the whole damn thing right? 

Maybe I would be exactly like these aunties giving comments to the younger   generation after because I think I know it all (crossing my fingers,

hopefully not) but even when I see moms with younger babies struggling, I NEVER comment on what I think they are doing right or wrong because really, there is NO right or wrong. Every mother does the best they can for their children, I cannot be out to harm my child right? There is this silence code of respect among moms now because at this point of time, we understand exactly how each other feel and not from "memory" 20 years ago. 

I'm not saying that everything I do now is right or that I could have really exhausted ALL means (always something new to learn right?), but guess there's always a nicer way and a better time. 

Even when it comes to "disciplining" our children, I get comments like I spoil her too much, I am not firm, I am too lenient.

Am I? I don't know. Besides the meltdowns from when I refuse to give Avril what she wants, or when she gets too tired/hungry (which only encourages meltdowns), she listens to me pretty much at this point. She waits when I say wait, she stops when I ask her to stop, she picks up her toy when asked, she listens to instructions basically. 

You know, I just feel that.. It's not ok to judge a pair of parent with a child.. Based on that few days, few hours you see her/him.  

I used to be really harsh and judgemental when I was younger, could be my karma but ever since I have had Avril and understand how difficult some days could really be, I wish I could transfer some of my good days strength to any mom having a hard day. I watch the amount of domestic helpers taking the place of mothers in the mall today and I am appalled. What happened to all the parents? What happened to family days on weekends? What happened to socialising, interacting, having fun together, bonding, laughing?

I don't know. Guess they're all in another location. Mostly dressed in clothes that looks like rugs and looking very happy. 

I don't care if Avril doesn't remember what I have done for her or if she loves me back or not, these memories and effort are mine to make and mine to keep . 

But damn, it's taxing mentally to deal with society and what they think is right. It is also encouraging enough that nobody ever praises us mom when our child displays act of kindness (sharing food is being generous), or says their please and thank you, running back for a hug even after being scolded. It is natural that our children HAVE to be obedient and a doll to be accepted but one bad behaviour displayed by our child is enough to condemn us the "bad mom" or the "bad child"

Maybe I am just sorely deprived of a nice cold beer but tonight I feel like I need a damn good cry.