Life with two children.

Jonah was sleeping soundly in my Boba carrier while Avril shrieked her lungs out at the playground this afternoon with her daddy. It was such joy to watch and it was a rare occasion I was forced to sit back and watch. (I fell yesterday and injured my tailbone so I am forced to limit my playtime). 

I wonder if most moms are like me, my insides were glowing with pride when I saw her run so carefree and happy, she's getting bigger, stronger. She can hold herself up and hang like a little monkey, she doesn't need much help around the playground anymore, she comes back every once in awhile for water, a hug and some reassurance and goes off to play again. 

I feel like a cheerleader mom. I was having a "oh that's MY kid!!" moment, awfully proud of her and myself. Hehe. 

Being a stay at home mom often means that you are buried in your children's activities around the clock. Jonah is coming three months old, the past three months, I struggled with juggling with the both of them, I fought guilt and exhaustion, I very often find myself overwhelmed and wanting to hide in the toilet for just 5 minutes of peace. But being a mom meant that regardless of what happens and how you feel, you've got to come out of that shell and dismiss the chaos. 

I've neglected this space so much but honestly, I barely have time to sleep, not to mention spend an hour "updating my life", not like I have much of a life anyway.  Ever since Jonah got discharged from the hospital, Avril started behaving out of sorts. She would scream for me in the middle of the night but I reach out to comfort her, she'd push me and say Go away. I didn't know what was wrong and I was too distracted trying to nurse Jonah back to health. I started getting annoyed with her at the slightest thing and wished she could be a better child. (She was desperate for attention), I started flaring up at her (I never ever do that before Jonah). She also started crying and clinging on to me when I drop her off at school. 

We sneak out for some afternoon exercise while Jonah takes a nap. 

One fine day, her teachers told me she was screaming non-stop in school and was biting her hands. Now that shocked me real bad, Avril doesn't really throw tantrums around me, not the full fledge crying and screaming and throwing herself on the ground sort anyway, just crying fits. She has never bitten herself at home or showed signs of frustration (maybe there was but I couldn't tell?), so when I was told that she portrayed such behaviour, my heart broke. We goggled and tried to figure out the reason, called her PD and talking about it out loud helps. I realised that she was angry with me. 

I abandoned her for 5 nights to be with Jonah. 

How could I? But how could I not be with my sick 2 months old son at the same time? (I make it a point to spend 1-1 time with her in the afternoon out of the hospital but it apparently is not enough), I gather its the stress of waking up at night and realising I'm not there. 

My super baby! 

Immediately after I found out the cause, I dropped off everything on my hands, passed Jonah to the helper and took her out to the playground for some 1-1 time. It worked, she had my full attention, just mommy and her. Things are a lot better now, she stopped resenting Jonah and loves him all the same but there are still

Moments she'd want to be babied and demands me to put him down. 

Avril is not yet two, many times I expect her to be a big sister and expect her to be good or independent enough but how could I? She is still a baby. Avril is extremely verbal, at her age it is amazing that she could speak in sentences so I made it to my advantage by teaching her to "voice her emotions", when she got angry or frustrated with something, I'd get her to say "I'm ANGRY!", and it works! She even began to voice out different emotions like "happy". 

His shirt is a gift from Sarah, it says "I'm not trying to impress you or anything but I'M BATMAN" I love it!!! 

Jonah.. Is a very good baby but since Avril falls sick once a month (they're both sick again!!!!!), he can't seem to escape the bug too. Very often, they both seem healthy enough to be kissing and hugging.. Then before you know it, they both start sneezing and coughing. How do you keep your young ones apart?! Impossible! 

I'm working very hard to bring my children together and all I can say is.. It's the toughest task I've been entrusted with. The stress, guilt (when you play with one and leave the other alone) and exhaustion drives you insane. 

I'm still figuring how this mom of two works, guess with every child that comes along, there will be new alteration to our lives (the most urgent change being - get a king size bed), new routines and of course growing to love one another. 

The good news is, with Jonah, I feel more successfully bonded with him in his infant stage, I am less stressed about handling an infant and more sure of what to do. He sleeps at 7pm until the next morning and only wakes up for feed. He makes me feel like a successful mother and gives me confidence that I'd do an even better job as long as I don't stop trying. 

After such a stressful post.. I must tell you, the joys that come along with motherhood, makes it all worth it. The sacrifices, the scars, the tears, the added layer of loose skin, the fatigue, the frustration.. It is all worth it because I heard Jonah laugh today. 

I hope that 20 years down the road, we still love each other the same.. even more. 

"Forever and ever.. I love you." 

Happy Chinese New Year!