What's there at the beach?

Avril has been going on and on about the beach for the past week so today, we decided to take her there. 

Before heading out we were experimenting with different hairstyles but I guess a free head of curly hair still trashes pigtails and hair clips in her opinion. 

I used to have a cup of this every afternoon during lunch when I was working in the CBD in my younger days. I thought it deserved a picture because it reminded me of how free and um superficial I used to be. Imagine only worrying about what to have for lunch and dinner or which movie to watch. Wow! 

The moment we touched sand, Avril was running around full of glee and chuckling non-stop. We were lucky to have the sun subside a little so it wasn't burning hot. 

She's so beautiful in my eyes. 

When I watched her laugh and giggle in excitement, I couldn't help but choke back a lump in my throat. I have been feeling extremely out of sorts wishing I could savour every remaining alone time I have with her because in less then two weeks.. I would be confined in bed (in pain) and possibly trying not to die from exhaustion and post natal depression. 

In case you don't really know me, a month being confined at home is worst then hell for me. I think it is what causes depression. 

When I was pregnant the first time round, I was anxious to get this baby out of me (I obviously didn't know what I was in for). This time round, I wish time could slow down a tad more so I could have more time with Avril. Guilt aside, I am bugged with thoughts of not being capable to love another child as much as I love Avril. Is it possible? To love all your children equally? I don't know. 

I am so comfortable living so predictably with Avril it scares me to know that my life would be turned upside down again. I am dreading the whole confinement, post natal depression and night feeds all over again. 

 Baby Avril four days old. 

On the other hand, we did have many funny moments as first time parents in the wee hours. I hope this time round, we still have our sense of humor. We didn't hire a confinement nanny or had a maid at that point so we did basically everything on our own. (Except cooking and bathing of Avril for the first two weeks, which we fortunately have Papa J's mom and grandma to help out with), 

It was a crazy tough month (still crazy after 19 months) but it has been so rewarding and worth it. To be peed on, to sob with a crying baby on days so bad, to have a little life you made.. In your arms, to cuddle, to love and to protect. 

I've never been so tired.. haggard, boring in my life but while I lost all the glamour of a young lady, my heart is filled to the brim with love. Maybe I didn't have much to worry in the first place, my heart could be enlarged to love another, just as wonderful as my first. 

Until we see you, Jonah.