Pregnant the Second time.

At 15 weeks pregnant, I am suddenly finding it more difficult to breathe through my suddenly shrinking clothes.  I haven't gave much thought to my second pregnancy because hell! Where do I get so much free time to THINK about it - but yes, I do have some quiet thoughts on nights I can't sleep.

I feel guilty not even trying to eat right and allowing myself to eat so freely (damn my unhealthy cravings) and almost behaving like I'm not pregnant. It's true.  The second time round you're like "I'm pregnant but I can still run and jump and chase after my growing toddler - no problem!" I still don't feel very much pregnant because my morning sickness has passed but it has been increasingly difficult for my food to be digested and I am hungry all the time.  I gained 17kg from having Avril and I told myself it's not going to happen again but drats, it's not easy. 

I'm quite fearful of what's coming up next because hey, when you know what to expect, it's even scarier, isn't it? Those long tired nights, sore nipples and a month of not going out? It is hell. Also, I am wondering where to put my little one since I have always planned for him/her to arrive only after we have our own place. I wouldn't want Avril to sacrifice her sleep - guess we'll have to figure a way out then.

I am also increasingly worried about diverting my attention both ways.  I really love her at this stage now and it saddens me that I would have to be confined to restricted physical activities for a couple of months, not to mention be tied down by Breast feeding new baby all day long.  I am not crazy over babies - if you get what I mean. They're cute and all but they're just not very fun to be around with. Haha. I like my pillow fight sessions more.

Am I already bias?

Bugged by the uncertainty of being a Mother of two shakes me up bad.  I don't want to be the crazy Mother who goes around shouting at her kid because my patience is running thin but I know that is inevitable sometimes (you can't imagine how annoying it is telling a toddler not to bring down clothes on a clothes rack in a shopping centre and throwing them on the floor repeatedly) It's crazy but I feel so fearful this time round.  I'm not ready.  Was I ready the first time round? Probably not.  It's the heart tightening, butterflies in your tummy feeling before you enter the exam hall? Yes. That sounds like it. Sometimes, not all the time, when I have time to actually sit down and think about this budding baby in my tummy.

Two nights ago, I was experiencing intense pain from my womb and when I went to the GP nearby, he diagnosed me clear of U.T.I. and told me to go to the A&E to check things out.  I did.  I am usually really cool about things like that but when the doctor took a while to get the heartbeat of my unborn child, for that 10 seconds that seemed like eternity, I really got scared and at that moment, I knew that regardless of how unprepared I am, I already love you.

Regardless, guess I still have 5 months time to sit my ass on it and be worry free.

Meanwhile, I just need to be fed and be happy. xx


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