Once upon a time.

Tonight, I feel nothing but loneliness.

I used to feel ashamed of feeling lonely because I always had this idea that loneliness occurs only when you have no friends. I like being in crowds, I like socialising, but ever since I became a mother, I dread crowds.

I figured out that despite being among people, you could still feel lonely. It is an extremely unpleasant finding ever since I conceived.

Being a mother means people no longer see you as you, I am the mother of my child. I don't know how many mothers can relate to this but yup, it is like I've given birth to an identity .. Just to find out I've just lost my own identity.

I am always so tired at the end of each night to think or try to collect my thoughts. There is no time to enjoy my favourite music, or to read a book, or to sip my coffee in peace. I love my daughter and I love staying at home to look after her but I can't deny that I'm slowly losing myself and I'm so afraid of watching that happen slowly but surely.

There must be a time when I was that carefree young girl walking around with a healthy backbone and nothing but plans of having fun.

The transformation is too huge. Even after 10 months, I still have issues trying to accept that I have been officially domesticated.

It is only tonight I am feeling lost like a little lamb. When Avril wakes up the next morning, the sun shines into my heart again. That's the thing about having children in the house, they always make everything seem okay, they are the rainbows after each storm.


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