Weakness

When I was in my teens, I was working in a company accompanied by the best colleagues in the world. We would sing songs and hide under tables to scare each other. I miss all of them and its a pity we no longer keep in contact with each other.

I shared all my relationship woes, I was an
open book. I remembered one day, a friend of mine told me "you can never be sad, you are always using anger to mask your sorrow, that's why you're constantly angry."

I know that's my issue. I can't seem to find the power to share how I'm feeling truly inside. It is so difficult to come out of my metal husk to tell people that I'm actually struggling inside. It is a sign of weakness to be, to be sad. The only way I could communicate freely was via writing. Only through this wall of words, I could be who I really am. I don't have to be shy, I know I won't be judged. I could confide.

Prior to Avril's arrival, it was as though my body knew it was preparing for a change. I was going crazy mentally. These couple of days, I feel that same angst, that helplessness, all the accumulated frustration I picked up along the way.

I feel so lost.. I half suspect I am pregnant again because that was what happens the last time but it couldn't be, because my period just ended a week ago. It could be hormonal imbalance but I can't be sure. At this point of time, I am only glad that my gynea visit is not so far away.

I told Papa J it is not something I could be helped with, it is a personal battle and only I can figure a way around it. The only time I feel sane, is when I am kept busy with Avril. It is tuned into me that only positivity should surround her so I always block off all my negative thoughts. Mostly, I suspect it is because I am too busy to think of anything stupid.

It is the nights that are haunting.. I spent the last 3 nights sleeping on the floor with her because she has been waking up and refusing to go back to bed. Her mattress is painfully thin. I can't put her on the bed anymore because its too dangerous but it is killing me because I jolt up awake and rock her for an hour or two before she goes back to sleep.

I feel like I have been snatched awake to run a marathon and the worst part is, when I can finally sleep.. Sleep denies me.

I just hope this waking up phase ends soon.

Also, instead of waiting for the other moms to set up meet-ups, I have decided that I will be organising more events such as to ensure that Avril gets her fair share of socialising and I get a break from talking to myself. I am excited to start.

We will overcome this, I know we will.