All I can hear, is the sound of our ceiling fan turning round and round.

With Avril sleeping and Papa J out to shoot some balls, I am alone with a quiet moment to collect my thoughts. 

Sometimes, when I am unable to fall back asleep in the wee hours, I look back at what I've written when I was pregnant, before I was pregnant, pictures of the younger Papa J and I. (We are still very young - ahem)  I cannot lie and say that I don't miss that freedom we used to have. 

Today, Avril is 10 weeks old and I must say, I am very thankful for everything that has been happened ever since we found out that I was pregnant.  If not for some of the decisions we have made, I don't think I would be so at peace and contented with life today.  Maybe not all the time haha, most of the time when I am not dying from exhaustion, a nasty neck ache accompanied by a throbbing headache.

When I look at my past, I cannot help but exclaim quietly in my thoughts. 

Are they really who we used to be?  It wasn't that long ago was it? But those glorious days really feel like a gazillion years ago.  We were young, adventurous, free and everything fun.  All our party days.. a chapter ago. 

I love being a mother to Avril, but I cannot help but miss myself too. 

I miss being stupid and sometimes bimbotic, I miss doing everything wrong and getting chided for it.  I miss quarrelling about all the stupid small things and then making up again, I miss going on romantic holidays inserting love back in to our mundane lifestyle, I miss celebrating our anniversaries, in a slightly more romantic setting, I miss going out at 4am just to catch a movie, I miss us being able to watch the sunrise out of nothing.  I miss us being us.

Don't get me wrong.. there's absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. 

Things are going great with us learning to sacrifice, give in, communicate and bond but maybe that's our problem.  We are too young to be perfect.  We are trying too hard to be perfect. 

I think I just miss being wrong.

What's the matter with me?!


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